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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.